Do you fake it?

I mean, are you successful in faking it?

No. No. No. This is not about the Big ‘O’. What I meant to ask is, do you fake it in relationships and at social gatherings?

I for that matter am a big big failure at faking it. And I guess that’s one big reason for me to not have a huge friend circle or relatives who keep pouring in.

I either ‘love you’ or I ‘dislike you’. There is no in between. I prefer to ‘dislike’ because I don’t like to ‘hate’. ‘Hate’ is a very powerful emotion that I have reserved for people who I cannot pardon ever. There are only two people that I hate. Two men. The ones who abused me as a child. Both of them were close family relatives. And then there are those who pinched, groped, hit me on my behind in a moving bus and the likes. I hate them too. But then this is not a #MeToo post. So I refrain from getting into the horrific details of those encounters.

If I love you, I will pledge my life for you. And if I dislike you, I create a huge wall of indifference around myself. A safe cocoon where I don’t let anyone hurt me anymore. It’s a different story that I don’t need anybody else to hurt me. I am good at it myself. I choose to shut myself up rather than playing the blame game and getting into another web of words. For me, actions are emotions. I am ready to endure it all myself but I can’t fake it.

Mom and Dad always taught me to be real. And today, Mom tells me that if you live in a society you must learn to fake it at times. Really?

I have disowned an uncle of mine because he was a complaint box. He always complained about me and the little sis not calling them or visiting them. I took it quietly for a very long time. And one day his wife called me with similar complaint in a tone that I could hardly ignore anymore. I gave it back in the same tone. This couple have two daughters who have never bothered to call or check on my parents in their entire life and they were teaching me how to maintain relationships. I said it as it is and they were mighty offended. I damn don’t care.

A bridge is a two-way path. You can’t expect only one-way communication along it. Can you?

The only time I regret about not faking it is when I lost a friend to the words of another ‘all-weather friend’.

Recently a member from the family blamed me saying I don’t know how to maintain relationships. Yes. I don’t know how to fake it like you. I don’t know how to s… up to people like you. I don’t know how to take it all lying down. She blamed me that I ‘hate’ my people. My upbringing stopped me from lashing at her. This is the person who uses cuss words at older folks, uses them to her own benefit, doesn’t have the basic etiquette of attending people who visit their home and then has the guts to talk nonsense. Most of all, she doesn’t even have any knowledge of the kind of life I have led with these people for all these years. Once more and she’ll no more be in my list at all.

I can’t help it. I just can’t. I am like this. I can’t keep smiling and hugging you when I don’t feel it from within. I can’t keep letting you hurt me for no fault of mine. If this keeps me alone, then be it. I am better off with a few real relationships than a hundred fakers in my life.

The biggest problem with people like me is that we tend to introspect a lot and blame it all on ourselves. But I am done with it. Enough of it all. The more I am thinking of it the more it is hurting me, physically, mentally and emotionally.

But I really want to know, is faking it necessary to maintain relationships? How do you prefer your relationships to be, based on real emotions or fake behaviour? What do you prefer, the truth or false compliments? Do I really need to learn to live a fake life so as to be a part of the society?

I am not perfect. But at least I am not fake.