Do you fake it?

I mean, are you successful in faking it?

No. No. No. This is not about the Big ‘O’. What I meant to ask is, do you fake it in relationships and at social gatherings?

I for that matter am a big big failure at faking it. And I guess that’s one big reason for me to not have a huge friend circle or relatives who keep pouring in.

I either ‘love you’ or I ‘dislike you’. There is no in between. I prefer to ‘dislike’ because I don’t like to ‘hate’. ‘Hate’ is a very powerful emotion that I have reserved for people who I cannot pardon ever. There are only two people that I hate. Two men. The ones who abused me as a child. Both of them were close family relatives. And then there are those who pinched, groped, hit me on my behind in a moving bus and the likes. I hate them too. But then this is not a #MeToo post. So I refrain from getting into the horrific details of those encounters.

If I love you, I will pledge my life for you. And if I dislike you, I create a huge wall of indifference around myself. A safe cocoon where I don’t let anyone hurt me anymore. It’s a different story that I don’t need anybody else to hurt me. I am good at it myself. I choose to shut myself up rather than playing the blame game and getting into another web of words. For me, actions are emotions. I am ready to endure it all myself but I can’t fake it.

Mom and Dad always taught me to be real. And today, Mom tells me that if you live in a society you must learn to fake it at times. Really?

I have disowned an uncle of mine because he was a complaint box. He always complained about me and the little sis not calling them or visiting them. I took it quietly for a very long time. And one day his wife called me with similar complaint in a tone that I could hardly ignore anymore. I gave it back in the same tone. This couple have two daughters who have never bothered to call or check on my parents in their entire life and they were teaching me how to maintain relationships. I said it as it is and they were mighty offended. I damn don’t care.

A bridge is a two-way path. You can’t expect only one-way communication along it. Can you?

The only time I regret about not faking it is when I lost a friend to the words of another ‘all-weather friend’.

Recently a member from the family blamed me saying I don’t know how to maintain relationships. Yes. I don’t know how to fake it like you. I don’t know how to s… up to people like you. I don’t know how to take it all lying down. She blamed me that I ‘hate’ my people. My upbringing stopped me from lashing at her. This is the person who uses cuss words at older folks, uses them to her own benefit, doesn’t have the basic etiquette of attending people who visit their home and then has the guts to talk nonsense. Most of all, she doesn’t even have any knowledge of the kind of life I have led with these people for all these years. Once more and she’ll no more be in my list at all.

I can’t help it. I just can’t. I am like this. I can’t keep smiling and hugging you when I don’t feel it from within. I can’t keep letting you hurt me for no fault of mine. If this keeps me alone, then be it. I am better off with a few real relationships than a hundred fakers in my life.

The biggest problem with people like me is that we tend to introspect a lot and blame it all on ourselves. But I am done with it. Enough of it all. The more I am thinking of it the more it is hurting me, physically, mentally and emotionally.

But I really want to know, is faking it necessary to maintain relationships? How do you prefer your relationships to be, based on real emotions or fake behaviour? What do you prefer, the truth or false compliments? Do I really need to learn to live a fake life so as to be a part of the society?

I am not perfect. But at least I am not fake.

8 Replies to “Do you fake it?”

  1. Oh, Rekha. I felt like I was reading my own mind! No, I can’t fake either but sad as it may sound, I have to sometimes for family and hope that they’re stupid enough to not realise it.
    It is exhausting to maintain relationships that mean nothing to us, especially when there are lot more deserving people (including ourself) who must be our priority. You are not alone, dear. Count me in next time. Will be standing right next to you nodding my head in agreement all the way.

    1. I am so glad to know that I am not alone. I just can’t help it. If I try to take it, it’ll be clearly visible on my face. What’s the whole point? I don’t understand. And just like you I am also forced to do it sometimes for family and wonder if no one noticed it. It takes a toll on my health because I am the last one to forgive myself for a mistake I make.

  2. I think I should just stop blogging, u can articulate my feelings better than me word by you for this my soul sister..big hugs..yes no need to fake it there are enough and more people around to do that brilliantly.. you are the best.
    Take care

  3. Hi-five sistah!! This is me all over! I too have a relative who made me uncomfortable and ever since I have ignored him. Another one who would complain about me not dropping over – I ignored completely. Infact I am very good at ignoring and saying NO and like you I am thought to be uncaring/rude/opinionated and does-not-know-how-to-treat-family! Well balls to all of them and their uncles.
    I also prefer to dislike and will go out of the way to say it when ppl dont get it!
    I have tonnes of these hypocrites around me who tell me but dont practice what they preach!
    Good on you to be blunt about this- we dont need such negativity or horrible people in our lives. Lets spend time and effort on the ones who care about us and truly love us!
    Smashing post!!!!

  4. I can’t fake either, Rekha. My mom too says that I have to forget and move on and be nice to ‘those people’ who have hurt us in the past. I can’t pretend that everything is fine now because somehow we learned to prevent ourselves from drowning when ‘those people’ enjoyed the show as mere bystanders. Oh wait, they did the best they could to break our spirits, the taunts, and whatnot. But now they deserve forgiveness because they are old and we are doing okay. But hey, when did they ask for forgiveness? Nah, they are elders, we just have to play along with them.
    Sorry for the rant, Rekha. I can’t pretend or fake. When I say I like something, I mean it. I don’t say if I don’t mean it.

  5. I can’t fake it. When I am upset, I think it is pretty apparent to the person. It is pointless being a fake. But like you pointed out I try not to offering things. If it is not working out, it is not working out. Like you I hardly hate anyone but there are many I dislike.

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