I wish I could name what I am trying to define…

Some links in the chain are not meant to be together for long. However much you try, those links either slip away or are broken. After multiple attempts of repairing you let it go and move on with a completely new set of links. And that’s when something or the other brings back the same episodes all over again. Again and again, refusing to let you move on without them, their memories. The chain, though absolutely complete with new links, still keeps the memories of the broken links fresh in its soul.

It’s the same case with people. Some relationships are not meant to last long. Your paths cross for a very little time to let you make memories that last a life time. There may not be anything wrong with the people involved. There may not be anything wrong in their circumstances. There may not be anything wrong with their families. Still something keeps the relationship from continuing. So much that you have no choice but to move on against your wishes. There is no regret. There is no anger. There is no guilt. There are no complaints. Still a sweet pain lingers on. The spark still fresh in their hearts. No! It is not love anymore. It is not friendship either. It is not anything but a relationship that has evolved into a kind of worship. Worship because you know each other like life and consciousness. Because you respect your choices. Because you are inseparable through age, time and distance. Crossing boundaries that don’t matter. Your heartbeats can recognize each other’s like they are the notes of the same rhythm.

A message, a missed call, an old picture from the album, a piece of torn clothing, an old notebook, a few underlined words, some bold letters, an unexpected incident, a certain fragrance that comes along with the breeze, a particular place, a break in the middle of a journey is all it takes to trigger the remnants of the past. And you know that the memory, that person, that place, that experience, that age, you could never really leave behind. It’s woven into your soul as if they were always an irremovable part of you.

Merged like two consecutive waves of the sea that drift apart into different oceans. Only to meet again and again when the oceans meet at some points in time. No. They don’t long to be together. They don’t wish to meet, talk or chat. An occasional ping from a distance just to know about your well-being. Their prayers are incomplete without each other. Their day doesn’t end without a glimpse of your memories. However much you try, you cannot get them out of your life. Is it because they are your life? Is it because you never really parted ways? Is it because this is how you were meant to be together? Apart, yet in complete sync…

Something like Forever

Li’l Love is one curious alien sent to Earth by mistake. No. Not an alien. She’s a research fellow from some advanced gola (planet) that the universal stork dropped into our home. She keeps asking questions and questions all day long. From why was she not available on our wedding, to how did she land up in my tummy, to why can’t she adopt a child at the age of seven. She needs logical answers, or else she dismisses your response altogether. In short, Mamma needs to go to school all over again as she hasn’t learned her lessons perfectly. And if at all Mamma happens to satisfy her, she says, “Google ne bataya hoga.” That’s my reputation. Sigh!

The other day, they were home and were watching 102 Dalmations. The Nivea ad appeared in the ad slot. And it went, BFF, BFF, BFF…

My little chipmunk sat up and asked, “What’s BFF?”

“Silly girl, it’s Best Friends Forever”, said the slightly over-confident big sister.

“What’s forever?”

“Forever means forever….err, it’s like something that’s there till you’re alive”, answered Anu Didi.

Not convinced, Li’l Love came up to me and asked again, “Mamma, what’s forever?”

I said, “Forever means Hamesha (in Hindi). Like, I will love you forever because you will be my best bachha (kid) forever.”

She smiled. Jumping happily, she went back to where she was seated.

Though I managed to satisfy her for now, I wasn’t myself satisfied.

What is forever? Is there something like forever and always?

February, the month of love, has given me a lot. Almost all the things that I hold dearly in my heart. The love of my life, freedom from a wretched life I had to live for a few years, my firstborn, our home and many others.

February also happens to be the one that took away a precious person from my life. Latha, my BFF. My bestest friend ever.

We had promised to be friends forever. But destiny had other plans. Latha and I were separated when we were in class ninth. Their family moved to Kerala. But still, we were in touch through letters. Five years, our relationship did not change much. She was still my bestest friend. The only one who knew me inside out. And then, she told me about getting married. I was in my first year at college. I was shocked. I thought only my parents were getting proposals for me even though I was only seventeen. She got married and as promised shared pictures immediately after their honeymoon. She went to her new house but her letters did reach me regularly. Later, she informed me of her pregnancy. I felt like being by her side. She then wrote about her elder sister being blessed with a son. I was very happy. Never knew that that would be her last letter to me.

In February that year, one late evening when we were at the dinner table, the phone bell rang. Dad picked it up and said it was some boy for me. Like all conservative parents, they stood next to me to know who the guy was. When I picked up the call and he spoke, I froze. It was Latha’s elder brother. He said that she died because of postpartum haemorrhage. The end of our Forever Friendship tale.

And that was the end of my belief in ‘Forever’. Nothing is forever. It is all momentary. Our love, our anger, our likes, our dislikes…everything is just momentary. It does not take forever for two people to separate. It does not take forever for a mean person to change for good. It does not take forever to forgive someone. It does not take forever to mend a broken relationship.

We cannot control what tomorrow holds for us. Or for that matter what the next moment holds for us. We cannot control other people’s feelings for us. We cannot control our destinies. We cannot control anything, but this moment. The one that we are living in. We can choose to keep grudges. We can choose to be bitter. We can choose to be rude. We can choose to be selfish. But we can also choose to forgive. We can also choose to make friends. We can also choose to share happiness. We can also choose to do some mischief. We can also choose to confess. We can also choose to love.

Nothing is permanent. Nothing is Forever.

Forever is just this moment. The one that we are living in. Let’s make this forever beautiful. We never know if there is another moment or not.

What’s your take on the word or concept called ‘FOREVER’?

The Revenge

I woke up from my afternoon power nap to the sound of raindrops on the skylight. Till a few years ago, I could only associate rain with a book or my diary and a hot cup of coffee. Not any more.

This happened around three years ago. I was desperately looking for a story line for my next book. Writer’s block attacks when you are in dire need to write and have a deadline to meet. It had been almost seven months that I had taken the advance royalty from my publishers. I had signed the contract that was going to expire in another two years. I started off with some hundred stories and tore them up as I myself couldn’t relate to them. All the time I was thinking of how am I going to come out of this situation and begin to write something meaningful.

That’s exactly when I met Shashikala, my long lost school friend in a shopping mall. The vermilion on the parting between her hair announced loudly that she was married. We were meeting after almost thirteen years and had so much to share. We took refuge in a cafe and ordered  our all time favourite, Caffe Caramella. Over the next hour or so we discussed almost everything under the sun. We also told each other how much we missed each other after school and how the untimely death of Shashi’s parents turned her life upside down. She was married off to one of her distant relatives by her immediate family members. She had a daughter aged eight. She spoke about everything and everyone in her life except her husband. Just to be sure I enquired about him. She said he was a nice guy and kept her well. Nothing more. Nothing less. Her expressions were telling me a different story. We exchanged our numbers. As we stood up to leave I told her that I would like to meet her again. May be she could  invite me over for a lunch or dinner. She said she will.

About two weeks later, I got a call from Shashi. She had wanted to meet me for lunch the very next day. I had a travel assignment and had to leave the next day night. So I asked if I could meet her the same day. She agreed. I asked her to keep it simple as I was no foodie. I wrapped up my desk and got ready for the lunch.

Around 12.45 p.m., I got into the driveway at Shashi’s place in Kalamassery, Kochi. It was a nice villa with a fairly big and beautiful compound. She was waiting at the door as if she had been waiting for a lifetime. From the looks of it, she had something serious to share with me. Without wasting much time, Shashi came straight to the point. She mentioned that her husband Rajeev was a legal advisor for a group of companies. She said he was the perfect husband to her. But she mentioned that since the birth of their only daughter around eight years ago, she had seen him change. She told me that he was a big time flirt. A pervert. He loved mingling with all kinds of females over the phone, over chats and in person. Initially she had dismissed the thought thinking it was as part of his profession. But now she could not handle it any more as her growing daughter too had started asking questions. I heard her peacefully. I returned after assuring her that together we’ll find a way to solve this issue.

As I drove back that day, it seemed that the story I was searching for had finally arrived.

After returning from the trip, I told Shashi that I’ll be meeting her for dinner that night to meet Rajeev. I also told her to make it sound like my first visit to her place. Rajeev was a well-built handsome man in his early thirties. He was polite and disciplined in his manners. One could never believe Shashi’s words upon meeting Rajeev.

My visits to their place became frequent as I became good friends with Shashi’s daughter Aadya. There was also a selfish interest in these visits. Being single I had always longed for company and Shashi was the perfect company for me. In a few days I observed Rajeev, his manners did not seem to be doubtful at all. That’s when Shashi and I decided that I’ll interact more with him to assess his behaviour better. This went on and on. My interactions with him grew. We even started meeting for coffee whenever either of us were in the vicinity of our offices.

Phone calls, WhatsApp messages, chatting. But not even once I found him talk or behave in an flirtatious manner.  I was confused. Slowly but surely we were getting closer. To me it was my way of knowing him and helping my friend. What I did not realize was the fact that the human heart has its own way. I started falling for him. I knew I was betraying Shashi. And so I started creating a distance. He was constantly trying to establish contact. I tried to ignore him. Completely.

It was about three months and I could not stop myself. I sent him a message and requested to meet. We met. And before I poured my heart out, he did. He told me that he knew it was wrong and that he didn’t want to cheat Shashi but he could not cheat himself either by suppressing his feelings. Those lines sounded more like a Bollywood script and so I kept calm and vigilant.

Over a period of next five months, we met almost everyday, had lunch together, went out on short road trips. And that day, when we went to Athirapally waterfalls we gave in to our senses. That was it. I knew I had lost myself to him. Rajeev apologized. But I knew I was an equal partner in this sin.

Photo Courtesy : duron123 through FreeDigitalPhotos.net

We did not want to cheat Shashi but that’s exactly what we were doing. We met. Again and again. We fought. Time and again. We made up. Love has this habit of making everything seem so colorful and full of energy. To me it was the most beautiful period of my life. I was selfish enough to keep wanting more of it.

And then suddenly one day Shashi called and started abusing me. She seemed to have realized what was going on. I tried reaching Rajeev but he wasn’t picking up my calls. I decided to go to their place. It was raining heavily. As if the world was about to get dissolved. When I reached Shashi’s place, I saw a fuming Shashi at the door and Rajeev sitting on the couch calmly. I wanted to explain. But Shashi was in no mood of listening. She accused me and abused me. I turned to Rajeev for a word of support. But he disappointed me. And that’s when Shashi said that Rajeev had shown her all my messages and told her how desperate I was. I could not believe what I had heard just then. And that’s when I realized what a ruthless guy he was. I wanted to scream out loud to Shashi that her fears about him were not baseless. But then Shashi was now fighting for her husband. And I was the vamp in the story.

My book got published recently. It’s titled Revenge: The purpose of my life. The climax – I chose to continue the relationship. Make him truly fall for me. And in the end dumped him into an asylum. That’s exactly what I wanted to do. But I forgave. I forgave him for little Aadya whose father he is. I forgave him for Shashi who has no one else to go to. I forgave him for myself because he was the first and probably the last man I had loved.

With the tears that flowed in tandem with the raindrops, I forgave myself. I forgave myself because my sin was love. It started with the love for my dear friend and it ended with love for someone Rajeev was not.

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Today’s Project 365 prompt is Share a story where it was very difficult for you to forgive the perpetrator for wronging you, but you did it — you forgave
them.